JessyJane

One of my long-term patients died unexpectedly this week. She was set to go home after a very long time inpatient. Someone from work was kind enough to call me. It just reminds me how lucky I am. I look at my beautiful son and am so grateful that he is healthy. I am exhausted and sometimes frustrated at how much he needs to be held and rocked and cuddled and... But I am so lucky, not just to have my son but an awesome husband and loving family and friends. And while I am so sad for this little girl and her family, I know that she is finally peaceful and pain free. She can finally play like kids should and breathe without difficulty.

Bay is one month old now! 9 pounds 5 ounces, 23 inches. He's a growing boy!

It's Monday and after two road trips this weekend with baby & husband I am tired. Hubby was really looking forward to work today. Gee, can't imagine why.

On the up side, the baby has been sleeping ON HIS OWN for 2 hours now!! Yes, that is correct, I am not holding a baby in order to get him to stay sleeping. Since hubby let me sleep for 5 hours last night, I have a little bit of energy so I did dishes, emptied the dishwasher and put away some clothes. Now I am going to lounge for a whil. I am tempted to try to do some knitting, but I know as soon as I pick it up and get into the middle of it, he'll wake up hungry. So, I am content to just surf the web without a baby on my lap and wait for him to wake up. I also got to actually eat a sandwich for lunch instead of finger food. I'm so shocked, I may collapse!

On Thursday, the baby said his first non-cry "word." It was 'ahh.' He has since repeated the feat, mostly by accident and does not appear to be trying to 'converse.' It caught us rather by suprise and was rather cute since it was said with partially crossed eyes.

There are times where I catch myself staring at said baby with a silly mommy grin ear to ear on my face, ignoring all the world. It's weird. I love him so much. I didn't think it was possible. I could really just stare at him for hours and the world could end and I wouldn't know it and nor would I care as long as I could keep staring into his beautiful face. Now I know what my mom meant when she said that her kids were her life. Everything she did was for them, not herself. Damn I miss her. I wish I could swap mommy stories with her. I wish she could meet him and spoil him like I know she would. Damn.

I had a patient spray bloody (fresh and old) puke on me the other night. The smell of old blood is definitely enough to make anyone puke, especially a pregnant woman! I feel sorry for the poor patient who was paralyzed and sedated. She couldn't brush her teeth so she probably still has that awful taste in her mouth even though I swabbed it out. Minty fresh. Blech. Man does that smell linger, too. Of course, we were retaping an iv at that time & I was stuck holding the iv while one nurse calls the resident on her wireless phone thingy. Then I get a phone call while that's going on and respiratory is suctioning out yuckiness (which makes a lot of noise)...It's 1055 and I'm supposed to leave at 1130. The next nurse is calling me..."Is it okay if I give report to Sandy first before getting report from you?" Um...yeah...that would be perfect because I'm "in the middle of something." I had to laugh. From the outside looking in it may have actually looked like a comedy skit. I certainly laughed when it was all done and I left at 1150 instead of 1130.

The things ICU nurses laugh at would make most people cringe. Picture this scene, though, and all that's going on. Now picture the RT and the other nurse picking on me at the same time..."Don't yak! But if you do, here's the suction..." et cetera. I loved my job more than I ever have before that night. How weird is that. Of course, my next night at work sucked royal ass. Twelve hours and I didn't sit down once...and I got yelled at by a doctor who wasn't even on service that night. Yeah. Go me.

In other news, Beethoven's Ninth tomorrow. We will have owned our house for a year on Saturday. And, in the words of another, "May and I are so fighting."

Who knew that dill pickles could cure nausea? One of my coworkers recommended it...go figure. It works. I'm kind of shocked.

For the first time since starting in the PICU...I cried at work Sunday, not because I was freaking busy and stressed trying to care for my patient (although a true statement). I cried because of the horribly sad terrible situation that brought my patient into the hospital. Good kids with good families and loving parents and brothers that look up to them should not have to go through what this kid does. Ever. I told the family I would pray for them...I rarely tell parents that...I just pray. I only hope that the care and emotional support I provided will stick with them and carry them through. I don't think that I like caring for the traumas...We'll have to see.

Two Names You Go By
1. Jessy
2. Duck

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. German
2. Bohemian-Czeck

Two Things That Scare You
1. losing the people that are important to me
2. spiders

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. sleep mask
2. sleep

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. pjs
2. cat on my lap

Two Truths
1. life is a balance (supposedly)
2. I am madly in love with my husband

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You (in general)
1. butts
2. muscular legs & arms

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. painting
2. yardwork

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. A new kitchen
2. to not be depressed

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. away
2. black forest on a rainy day/ freiburg

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. have kids
2. find a job that doesn't suck

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. I have boobs
2. I like babies

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I'm afraid that I'm no good for my husband and that he won't love me anymore
2. I'm afraid that if we have kids, they'll hate me & I'll screw them up

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. I need to go back to bed to sleep before work
2. cat+down throw = Warm lap

Two Stores You Shop At
1. target
2. old navy

Two people I would like to see take this quiz
1. double dark
2. tetratatiana

Two people I haven't talked to in a while
1. my dad
2. God

Just an fyi if anyone is keeping track, I did get the job in the picu. I start on 11/27

Happy birthday mom.

On the eighth day the Lord installed a toilet. It held water and hadeth no leaks. It flushed and all was good.

I cannot take the stress anymore. I have not wanted to die this badly in a very long time. I really just want to curl up into a ball and cry my ass into oblivion. If there is any more stress piled on my I may just very well explode. I haven't wanted to cut myself this badly in a long long time as well. I quit.

House. Funeral. Still no toilet. That is all.

My grandmother is dying...and probably a slow, painful death. Really opens up a whole pandora's box. Also makes me realize how much I love my hubby.

From 5/18/05 at 1645: Can't sleep. I looked in the mirror today & saw my mom staring back at me. Not in an eerie sort of way - rather in a deja-vu moment. My face at that moment in time was hers; the expression perhaps one I had seen on her face long ago. I say long ago as if I am ancient and she died in another lifetime. I know my eyes are darker than hers, but today they seem to BE hers exactly. The roots of my hair the exact color of her hair before it grayed; the fact I have dyed it perhaps a reflection on avoiding aspects of myself I'd rather keep hidden. Flecks of gray show through my own hair; not where she grayed, though. She went gray where you could see it & attack it; mine show up where you have to be cross-eyed or have 2 sets of hands to confront the enemy. Ironic - I see gray hair as an enemy. Mom never tried to hide it. Was she that confident in herself? Somehow I doubt it. I suspect the woman I eventually saw as strong and infallible was really shaking inside - entirely uncertain of where her life was going. When I look at the fears and uncertainties in my life, I wonder just how she did it - how she handled all her life handed her. I wonder if perhaps she had more support - any support - would she have hung on longer? The hindsight of a million whatif's. The hindsight of the cursed.

Another look in the mirror reveals the same crow's feet I've been staving off along with the grays. The crow's feet and I have called a truce for now - with the understanding that I know they'll win out in the end. I remember looking at her crow's feet often - I'm not sure why. It just seems I focused on that & her nose, perhaps the most prominent features of her face. I have her nose, too. None of my siblings do. Just me. A special gift? Considering she hated her nose, I doubt it. Yet in all the randomness of DNA, I really do look like her - more so as I age - and it frightens me. Her same fate most likely awaits me, DNA being almost as unavoidable as taxes. But it's not my eventual demise that worries me. I still have enough of belief in my own infallibility to foolishly think I'll never die. What bothers me is that I do see so much of her in me. Even my 'mischevious grin' (John calls it that) is reminiscent of her in happier days. But with so much of her essence, what am I obligated to do? Will my life live up? Shit - my thumbnails even break like hers used to & when I walk into work my right shoe squeaks. Her right shoe always squeaked. I can't help but wonder what lies down the path for me. What would she have done had she known her fate? I know my death is very much predicted in a genetic sort of way. Yet I keep on just as is, wondering if it would be the responsible thing to have kids knowing they may lose a mother early & knowing how much hell my life has been. And I want to say I wouldn't change my life if given the option, but that's just plain horse shit. I want my mom back & no amount of personal growth will change that. I can think of a million things I would give up just to talk with her again for one day. All I hope is that the years will dull this ache and that the eyes looking back at me continue to be hers.

I survived another one. Only got asked once how my mothers' day was...not too bad. I tried to remember some of the things that I got for my mom on mothers' day...couldn't remember a thing. John's mom got me a copper butterfly for mothers' day. It's beautiful and she's SO sweet.

I thought about what I would get my mom if she were still around. I'd love to just take her out to breakfast and talk. We used to talk all the time near the end of her life. I'd visit and we'd talk until 4 in the morning. I really miss that. I miss so much.

Grandmother in the ICU. Blood clots after hip replacement surgery. Having surgery to remove them. She's doing okay. Kind of predicted it would happen. I don't want to ever get old. John's grandpa broke his hip today. Figured that was going to happen eventually, too. Blech

She would always yawn when she read me a bedtime story. So much so that sometimes she would fall asleep. Her voice always lilted in the same, comforting manner, lulling me to sleep as if floating on a hammock on a crisp fall day. It didn't matter what the story was. In fact, it was almost always the same one. I remember the book, torn and tattered, held together with tape and patience. She probably didn't even need to look at the words. She could have told me anything. I didn't really listen to the words anyway. She would sit on the floor, the smell of her hair and skin wafting towards me like a nectar sent down from God, wrapping me in peace and tranquility. A woman by no means perfect-by no means happy with her life-yet then, in those moments, I always felt safe and loved. I long for those moments-the grown-up versions-that were so new. So young that they had not developed their own tract in my memory. I long for these.

Shadows creep in. Unexpected as usual; creepy at best. I can hear the blinking of my eyelashes & the ringing in my ears louder than ever. Wrapped in shadow.

sinus infection. GI flu. puking fruit punch gatorade. no film at 11.

House. Thankyouthatisall.